What I Want For My Daughter

So Megan over at Mackey Madness shared a post on who she would like her daughter to be and how she's become so much more aware of her influence on her daughter. It made me gather up my thoughts on the same subject.  I once already wrote a letter to Savannah, but this is a little different.

There are the obvious...I want her to be kind, loving, confident and happy. 

But then there's this other element of her life that's pretty unfamiliar to me.  To have. To be secure in the fact that your parents can provide. 

I grew up with a hard working father, albeit an old fashioned one who didn't 'allow' my mom to work.  This in of itself added an element of self-imposed penalty on our household. It was a struggle to make ends meet, especially after he was laid off from a good job when I was still in grade school. We never quite recovered. Put into Maslow's Hierarchy, we were in survival mode most of the time. There were happy moments, but for the most part, day-in, day-out was about him arriving home from work tired, a crushing pile of bills and the stress, tension, desperation and general unhappiness that comes with that sort of surrounding. 

Around the time I graduated high school, my mom stopped asking for permission, got a job and pretty much opened them up to sunlight for the first time in over a decade.

I had ran out of there by that time, but I carried a pretty significant scar that would follow me for a very long time. 

There is no shame in being poor for most of your life. I'm sure there are a lot of loving, happy households who have very little. The one I grew up in just wasn't one of them. 

The actual feelings of what life was like then are pretty much forgotten, at least to the conscious mind. The shadow of insecurity, skepticism and inner turmoil marked how I interacted with everyone from about middle school to probably relatively recently. 

I wasn't sure about who I was, but constantly fought to fit in, even when I didn't want to. 

I actually went to a therapist about 2 years ago as I struggled with the fact that AGAIN I had become close with a new group of people...had invested time to build friendships with them, only to AGAIN have the familiar feeling of not really understanding what I had in common with them and questioned if I could continue my friendship with them. Rather than let things run their course naturally, I had AGAIN just shut them out. My therapist told me something I had somehow failed to see. She said, "You want for everyone to be your friend...even when you don't really want to be theirs. You don't have to everyone's friend."

That's so basic. I felt so stupid having this explained to me, but hearing it was so powerful. I thought back and could identify the same pattern, over and over again. 

I didn't let friendships develop organically. I always wanted to be everyone's friend.. Even those I really didn't fit in with, didn't think were very nice...

I forced friendships, adapting in any way I could...overspending, partying more than my grades could handle, even eating more than I knew was within healthy limits. You read that right.. I actually identified a group where I fit in with by throwing caution to the wind when it came to my health. 

Anyway, when I dug deep for explanation, I realized I didn't really know myself and that when I wanted to forge friendships, I was likely to forget about who I was in seeking acceptance. 

How lame! Better late than never to correct this though, right?

I started working on really knowing me and pushing my life to where I wanted to be...solid marriage, solid career and starting our own family. Through it, I got to know not only who I was, but who I wanted to be. I realized that person, except for all the lacking self acceptance, was not too far away. 

Not having the money to participate in most 'normal' kid and adolescent activities combined with oddly strict parents who limited even free activities had a severe impact, but that was no longer my reality. 

My reality is freedom to do what I want, participate in what I want to, see places and experience things I dreamt about. 

My daughter brings this into focus more than anything else in my life has. The ability to find inner peace and happiness is everything-and its priceless!

So, more than anything, this is what I want for my daughter to learn from me. 

I want her to be the girl that decides she wants to study and stick with it. Be the girl who feels like she's studied enough and go out. Be the girl who knows what she looks good in and walk away from her closet each morning happy and confident about what she's picked to wear to face the world. Be the girl who knows she won't always make the right decision, but is happy with knowing that it was HER decision. 

I know me now.  I know what I like, what I can't tolerate and what it takes to get and keep my attention. I also know it's ok to identify things or people as they fit into any one of those categories. 

I know that with my husband, family and the few genuine friendships I've made over the years, I'm fulfilled. Of course, the beauty in fulfillment is that when you're not forcing something, new friendships and happy experiences can constantly surprise you. 

This may be normal and natural for people who grew up in a more normal and happy environment, but it just wasn't for me. 

This self awareness, ability to be happy with oneself and the sense that life is overall wonderful and glorious are what i want my daughter to learn from me. 

I think everything else that's beautiful and exciting about life will naturally come once that first part is set in place.